Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
