also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
