I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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