Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
