i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
