I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
