this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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