I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
