What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
