She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
