I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
