??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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