i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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