it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
