I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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