If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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