I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
