that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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