She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
