I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
