so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
