I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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