Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
