I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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