: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
