i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Send help, water and tortillas.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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