tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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