That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
