im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When did angry sex become our thing?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I want a musical about memes.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
