can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
