just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
