Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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