Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
