If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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