You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
