he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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