There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
