Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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