There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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