Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
