i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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