Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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