right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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