so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
