ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
