I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
