in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
