I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
