I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
