im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
